Things my Nana says

I was thinking this morning that I need to get back on track with my road to recovery from sugar addiction.  To say I've fallen off the wagon is an understatement - I've fallen off the wagon, wandered off in the woods and lost sight of the trail altogether.  As I say that, I have a small pile of candy next to me on the couch to sustain me until dinner....Reese's cups and KitKat snack size candy.  From the large bag of them I bought to sustain us on the overnight flight back from the Pacific Northwest on Saturday night/Sunday morning.  I mean, we were going to be asleep, why did I need 4 lbs of chocolate for us to get us through a 5 hour flight?

I did weigh myself this morning, with one eye closed and the other squinting so the explosion of the digits reaching that high wouldn't blind me.  I was surprised to see that I was at 161 still so not as bad as I expected.  Still I am supposed to be at 138 so accepting 161 isn't an option either.  The nutritionist has told me not to be so hard on myself that sugar addiction is like any other addiction in that it is really difficult to kick the habit.  Like smokers that attempt over and over to give up the bad habits, it's gonna take me a couple of false starts to get there.

During our vacation, the phrase "eat the meat, that's what you paid for!" came up when we'd be out eating and someone wasn't gonna finish their meal.  This is something that we've all heard from my Nana who grew up during the Depression and would keep me at the table until I finished everything on my plate. Nana is great for sayings like "Four is too many" when referring to the number of bracelets one should wear on one wrist or telling my brother whose hair is receding to let his hair grow in or that I should color my hair so I won't look old.  Nanas are great that way - stating the obvious or telling it like they see it.  When you grow up spending lots of time with your grandmother like I did, things they say stick with you like when she told me that the bubbles from the hydrogen peroxide on my scratches was the smoke from the guns in the battle between the medicine and the germs.  However, like someone recently said to me, I need to let go of my childhood hangups and move on.

So, I am working on not feeling like I need to clean my plate and everyone else's on the table.  Not feeling completely grossed out and uncomfortable after a meal is well worth the price of the meat I didn't eat...even though I paid for it.

Off to get the wee one ready for bed, more later!

Sugar Addict

Just another manic Monday....(sing along if you know the words)

Day 11
Weight:  160.8 (almost in the 150's!)

What a day!  Mondays should be half days at work - just simply because by the time you deal with all the crap, you're exhausted or traumatized and need some alone time to deal with it.

Everyone that knows about my new dietary restrictions keeps checking on me and how I'm doing.  I hate telling them that I have gone off reservation yet again - but in the opposite direction - just not eating.  I know it's not a good thing because of all the metabolic changes it causes, but I was just too busy or preoccupied to notice that I needed to eat.  I wasn't hungry that's for sure.  I find that I usually eat because it's the time to eat, not because I'm hungry.  So actually waiting for hunger to hit - real, physical, man anything I eat right now will be fantastic (with the exception of Uncle Sam's bran flakes with flaxseed...BLEH!) hungry, is a good thing for me.

I know that I don't listen to my body enough, or what I hear isn't what it's actually saying.  I listen to the mental cravings and when my body has no energy or verve to do anything, I don't treat it the proper way to let it rest, reboot, revive...etc.  Instead I ply it with sugar or caffeine to keep going, thinking it's a treat for myself, when, in fact, it starts a cycle of dependency.  I have noticed a lot more energy since cutting back on the sugar and even on the caffeine - only 2 sodas over the weekend.  And the cravings are reducing....waiting them out is getting easier although I still cheat a bit every day.  Today it was pop tarts for breakfast and lunch - 2 reasons - yummy and easy....running late and nothing to grab and go in the fridge for breakfast.  While I know that these are not the best thing I could eat, I did eat something.  That totaled 800 calories  through 5 pm when I left the office.

I was so excited about getting my new phone in the mail (FedEx really, but why quibble?)  that I almost left the office at 2:30 to get it.  I resisted the urge and worked through until 5.  I did race a bit on the way home.  I  enjoy having something new to look forward to.  Whether it's a phone in the mail, a vacation to Washington state later this month or finally being done with the CPA and being able to pay for the test  this Friday so I can really focus on it, having something out of the status quo to look forward to makes the rest easier to bear.

When there is nothing but more work, stress, scarcity to look forward to, I eat to make myself feel better or to give myself a little bump - I'll feel better for a minute because I have that treat or meal or snack or box of cookies to look forward to, but then it evaporates because I just ate something I didn't need or shouldn't have especially when I do it just for the satisfaction of having eaten it, not because I'm particularly hungry or anything.

Now that I'm in the new place, there is plenty to look forward to like getting rid of all the bugs - fleas, wasps, carpenter bees, spiders (creepy spider covered in DE is even creepier all white and moving around still....like a ghost spider...but I digress), or not having to move around the pictures and things still sitting on the floor because I haven't put them away yet.  I also have decided that even though I am renting, I will be doing some home improvements - I mean, I'm living in the house so might as well make it nice.  I know some more conservative people will say "But it's not your house, you're adding equity for someone else."  Agreed, but I owned a house and never saw the equity I put into it.  Granted, I did handle it all badly and thus I am going to be a renter for a while, but I am taking the Native American philosophy on this - I am only using the property, even if I owned it, it wouldn't be mine forever.

So the many projects I have lined up are: Paint the rooms, paint the trim (got a 5 gallon bucket of trim for the WHOLE house already - thanks Dana!), redo the master bathtub enclosure, replace doors, change the flooring in the baths and kitchen (Max's dad can do this - finally I can put that tile know how to use for me!), resurface the counters and cabinets in the kitchen, change out lights for ceiling fans, put lights in the bedroom closets (they are creepy without 'em), replace windows, tear down the rotted (thanks carpenter bees) rails around the front porch, landscape the backyard, put down a patio with pavers over the boring square of cement and make it larger and more organically shaped (you don't see too many squares in nature...just sayin')....and I don't plan to move until Max is out of high school, so I have plenty of time, right?

A friend said they'd like to see what I can do on a good day.  I think today (Monday) is a good enough day.  While I did eat sugar, I didn't follow up with a binge meal when I got home.  I had one of my breakfast sandwich meals (yummy and only 260 calories) with a glass of skim milk (10 oz - max drank the other 6) and spent about 6 hours on my couch, watching Netflix movies and setting up my new phone.

All in all it was a pretty good day - I was in good spirits, I got some work done although I'm mostly on hold there and I didn't eat beyond my needs for the day.  I know there are other things I can work on, but since I am working on patience, being patient with myself is something I have to learn as well.  That it is baby steps that get me there, not a marathon the day after I decided to get up off the couch.

I'm torn on the product recommendation for today - love my new phone - if you have the chance to upgrade soon - go for the Motorola Atrix.  #1 it's 4G (4G....OMG....LOVE IT), #2 it uses fingerprint security so my kids can't get into my phone and take pictures of themselves or mess with games being downloaded or any of that other crap they do to our phones when we are busy being their parents and #3 it's just freakin' pretty, cool, light (way lighter than an iPhone) and even has cool sounds.  Max's alarms for feeding the dogs, taking a  shower and going to bed are all set to use the rooster crowing.  How apropos?  So that was option #1.

Option #2 are the breakfast sandwich meals, called D'Lights that were recommended for me.  I opted for the one with the right caloric makeup for my prescribed diet and it is egg white, honey wheat English muffin, cheese and Canadian bacon.  They are made by Jimmy Dean and can be found in the frozen section.  The calorie count is in BIG numbers on the front of the box so you know what you are walking into when you pick one up.  There were other flavors that had more calories per sandwich which also looked yummy, but I was trying to stick to the plan.  Those and the Fage Greek yogurts are two things I will definitely be adding to my repertoire of snack foods and go-to convenience foods.

Luckily for me, I don't have to be limited to just one so here they both are!  Hope you find something that you can look forward to as well.

~ Sugar Addict in Recovery

Jimmy Dean D'Lights Breakfast Sandwiches (oh and sign up for the pledge to end childhood hunger while you're there)

So what I was saying....oh look, a butterfly.......

Day 10:  July 10, 2011
Weight: 161.2 (2 lbs down!)

Goal for the day:  Same as ever - reduce cheats and cut out the soda

Well I was hoping to keep a daily journal of the ups and downs of moving from my sugar addiction, but it seems that food is not the only area I lack discipline in.  Every day is another opportunity to start over and yet, I put things off.  Procrastination should be an Olympic sport.  I would have more medals than Phelps on that one.   It's  the biggest bad habit I have, putting things off because 1) I just don't feel like it, 2) I don't want to deal with it, 3) it's boring and I'll deal with it when it becomes critical and 4) I would rather be doing something else that is totally not productive!  And this bad habit applies to everything - work, health, home, relationships, responsibilities, finances, etc, etc. etc.

Someone told me recently that I make these choices that seem small when I make them but that ultimately end up being major catastrophes.  This was after I had a particularly bad couple of days with flat tires and running out of gas in the middle of Atlanta when I should have been studying.  Possibly if I'd spent that time studying, I would have passed the FAR exam by learning enough material to get that ONE MORE POINT to pass from 74 to 75.  Instead, I drove 20 miles away with an injured bird to take him to a volunteer that rehabs wild birds versus putting them down.  In doing so, knowing I didn't have enough gas to do that and I wouldn't have gas money until the next day, I ran out of gas when I got close to the destination.  I ended up calling on a friend to save me yet again and spent 3 hours total dealing with it.  That's just the trip, I'd spent hours before researching where I could take this injured bird.

So keeping focus and making the hard decision that does me better in the long run are two things I need to work on.  I think because I've been able to get by with doing the minimum effort and then cram right before a deadline so far, that I've made that my MO.  Now, though, that won't work anymore.  So while food choice may be the symptom, the greater issue is taking care of myself.  I'm not very good at it, but I crave the ability so much.  Probably more than sugar.

Today, I make a promise to myself, to do the right thing even if it's the hard thing.  That means not trying to keep up with the Joneses, acknowledging the budget I set for myself a couple months ago, doing the things that will relieve me of stress and worry (probably would take less energy than the stress and worry does), making a responsible choice of the two options presented.  Just thinking about it makes me tired.

Another issue I struggle with is being honest with myself and others.  I don't want to be a hypocrite EVER, so I am always cognizant of when I mangle the truth to make myself look better or to avoid trouble.  So the lesson here is that if I do the right thing and have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of, I won't need to lie, right?  Easier said than done, I know.

So here are some truths I need to tell.  I am overweight because I don't exercise like I should, I don't eat the right foods and I don't take care of myself.  I'd rather get the instant gratification of the candy or the sitting on the couch than doing what I need to do.  Another truth, I am TERRIBLE with money.  For being an accountant and working on my CPA, I am constantly living hand to mouth.  I'd know I'd be better off and take care of myself better to be frugal, say no to the 'treats' I give myself and the kids when I get paid.  It is definitely reminiscent of the feast or famine of my childhood, with my brother, mother and I living on my mom's single paycheck each month.  I didn't understand then, how hard it was to keep food in the house with two growing kids who were constantly asking for more until I had to do it.  Keeping food on the table for 3 kids is a struggle and I totally understand that quantity has outweighed quality to this point.

I keep saying it's hard to maintain a special diet in the house when everyone else is eating other things, but I have to remember I am the one buying the food so if I say no more junk,  then no more junk is what should happen.  I use that excuse when the kids want to buy something I don't want to buy them or I get something for myself that they want and they whine about it not being fair, I say "Get a job and you can have whatever you want...."  Cruel, I know.  But it's better than the sense of neglect I felt whenever my mother treated herself and not me without explanation.  I get it now and knowing how bad it made me feel, I try to keep things equal.  Treats for everyone and then I'm back into hurting myself financially again.

What is so sad, is I see me doing this to myself, sometimes even as I am making the bad decisions, but I think "I'll deal with that later" and like the effects of not weeding out that pine seedling from the house foundation, it grows into a destructive force from such a small thing.  If anyone else is out there feeling the same, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!  I hate feeling like I am such a horrible person because I can't make these decisions like a grown up....so yes, misery loves company....letting me know that I am not the only one makes it easier to deal with and not quite to insurmountable.

All that being said, I hope to report good things in the coming days.  Instead of a food list after the fact, I hope to make a list of top 5 things to take care of myself each day and work hard to get the list accomplished.  Here goes for today's list:

1.  Get 30 minutes of exercise today - either ride a bike or walk the dogs
2.  Eat 3 healthy meals today - deal with the snacks later
3.  Drink 8 glasses of water (64 oz)
4.  Work on the PTA books so I can hand it over when the time comes.
5.  Clean the carpets so I can finish setting up my dining room (a month after moving in)

I do have a product recommendation for today.  For those of you with problems with energy and weight control, I have found this vitamin has been greatly beneficial in helping with both.  It has a great supply of Vitamin B12 which is something that apparently I lack.  What is interesting is that some of the weight loss places give you a B12 shot to help with the constant eating and the portion control problems that most people have.  So please check out this vitamin and I hope it helps you too!  PS.  I do get a commission if you buy from the link...hint, hint.....(that's why there is both the men's and women's variety listed....good for the whole family!)

~ Sugar Addict

Pissed off, Pests and Pizza (and how they are related)!

Day 4:  July 4, 2011
Weight: 163.2 (missed my opportunity to weigh first thing in the morning...better luck tomorrow)

Goal for today:  Reduce soda intake and 'cheat' meals and snacks

Not off to a great start.  Xena, the dog, barking before 7 am to either be let out to pee or to attack the cats or because she felt we'd slept in enough.  My youngest, Max, slept in my bed with me the previous night because I need to make a trip to Ikea to replace the slats on his bed (that broke from my fat ass being on it) and get a new mattress, but need to do it in a surgical strike - in, out and no browsing!  Either that or have just won the lottery and have a new house to decorate!

So instead, one of the twin beds in his room is just the frame.  And when my daughter is here from her dad's she gets the other bed since technically it's her bed.  So Max is in with me.  He got up to let the dogs out, and that's when I realized he'd pee'd on my bed.  DAMMIT!  So after kicking him out of my bed for good, stripping the bed and moving the couch to go back to sleep, I was in a proper funk.

I fell asleep for about an hour on the couch, tossing and turning with the dogs licking either my face or feet as they paced around the couch.  So it's almost 8 am on Monday morning and I'm in a snit before I am even fully awake.  I grab a soda and a yogurt and turn on the TDF.  I try to stay focused on the race and commentary, but I am noticing that the freshly bathed dogs are scratching still.  So that leads to more frustration at the situation I find myself in.  I end up doing too many things during the race and have to go back (again) and rewind to see what's happened.  I want to watch it all even though most of it's just chit chat.

While I'm watching, I'm researching things for the house like how to kill a flea infestation without emptying my house of all furniture, food, clothing and life forms (that I don't want to kill) to cover the remainder in poison.  I've found some good things to use and some good organic and natural solutions for flea  repellants (lemon juice and water mixture, or rosemary or lavender steeped water cooled and used as an Eau de Toillette) and eradicators, but I don't have the right tools to administer them.  Oh and I have 3 kids that bitch and whine about the fleas, but don't take the team approach to resolving the issue.  I am not sure how it happened, one flea from outside on the dogs and one turned to 30,000 or so, in every room of the house, on the cats who don't go outside and us constantly being bitten as we walked around the house.  I do think that the epidemic started as a result of cleaning the carpets over the previous weekend.  They say that vibration triggers dormant flea eggs to hatch so I woke up the sleeping nightmare by cleaning - no wonder I hate housework!

I read a good article about the epidemic and since I had researched how to organically eliminate carpenter bees since they are doing a number on the front porch, I knew that the solution for that was the solution for the fleas, but how do you spread diatomaceous earth (DE) around your house and not end up with dusty feet and what happens in the 24-48 hours it takes to kill the fleas naturally to solve the issue?  The previous Saturday, my daughter and I had picked up 3 bags of earth from Farmer D organic gardening.  We drove down to the location 20+ miles away and they tell me that next time, I can call ahead and have them deliver it to the location 7 miles from home, 2 from the office.  Good to know....now.  Anyhoo, I have one bag open and it looks like flour so each time I get up, I apply some powder in spots where the dogs have been known to hang out.  And since I got food grade DE, I can even spread it on the dogs and cats.  Not they are particularly glad or willing to let me do that.

My non-food goal for the day is to get ahead of the fleas.  After being frustrated with the hand me down vacuum going berserk when trying to clean Max's room, I  give up and start researching vacuums online.  I want one that will suck the paint off the walls.  I totally can't afford to be getting a new vacuum, but I've had a check from my dad to Max for his birthday for over a month in my wallet.  I'd planned on setting Max up with his own bank account (little dude made $150+ on his last birthday) with it, but he volunteered to spot me for the vacuum instead, provided I pay him back....with interest.  I found a good one (I think) and after spending another half hour weighing the options, I purchased it.  Right after that I took the old one and put it to the curb for the trash men to take away.

So now, my house is in disarray.  The dryer vent had just been fixed so I was going through washing EVERYTHING in the house.  The vanity in the bathroom needed replacing so nothing could be stored in or around it.  Fleas everywhere, kids leaving messes left and right (don't get me started on the number of cups used in a single day in the house) and now DE all over the carpets.  It sure keeps the fleas off but is very drying to the skin...plus it's dirt, so yeah, I felt like a complete wreck.  How do I handle it?  That's right....sugar!

So following the example from the night before, I ordered pizza - a bigger one this time to make sure I get more than one slice, then I figured I was already crossing the line, might as well go whole hog and get desserts.  I ordered brownies for the kids and cheesecake for me.  This was our late lunch, early dinner when it arrived.  We watched Moulin Rouge and munched away.  I did find that when the food was all gone, I did want more, specifically more sugar - bread and brownies.

After giving in to the sugar fiend, I also gave in to another convenience - flea bombs.  It was pouring outside and the temperature dropped 20 degrees so we turned off the A/C and got my room and Max's room ready for bombing.  Apparently, you should put a towel in front of the door to keep it in as well, because an hour later or so, we were coughing a bit.  Not the best idea, but what can I say...I was on a sugar high!

Around 7:30, I gathered up the kids to take J&M back to their dad's and on the way back, Max and I stopped at the store.  Again figuring I'd already F'ed up the day, I got a bag of Reese's peanut butter cups along with all the ingredients I needed to maintain the diet.  So Max and I went home and had our candy filled dinner/snack while we aired out our rooms.  He had to go to camp the next day so he was showered and ready for bed, but where was he going to sleep?  Not in the room full of poison from the flea bomb.  So we got him settled in Jordan's room for the night.

If he couldn't sleep in his room, then I shouldn't sleep in my room either, so I settled in on the couch.  But instead of going to sleep, I was up until 2 am watching episodes of Spartacus on Starz On-Demand, until I reasoned I couldn't stay awake any longer and still be functioning the next day.  Probably a result of the volume of Diet Pepsi's I'd consumed in the day.  Before I'd met with the nutritionist, I'd purchased 5 12-packs of Diet Pepsi (they were on sale 5 for $12, come on!) so I went ahead and finished 'em out.

All in all a shitty day with little to be happy about - spent too much, ate too much and too much of the wrong things, stayed up too late and just EVERYTHING felt wrong.   This is exactly why I went to see the nutritionist to start with, so I went to sleep determined to do things differently the next day.

Here is my food log for the day:

• 8:30 AM - 2-12 oz Diet Pepsi's, Scrambled egg (1 egg, 2 egg whites) and 2 slices canadian bacon, vitamins, meds (oh and I realized I'd not been taking enough fish oil, so upped that today to 2 for 1290mg)
• 11:00 AM - 2-12oz Diet Pepsi's, Turkey wrap, cheese stick
• 2:30 PM - 2 slices supreme pizza, plain cheese cake, couple bites of brownie, 4-12oz diet pepsi's
• 5:30 PM - 12 oz Diet Pepsi
• 7:30 PM  - last Diet pepsi in the house.  
• 8:45 PM - 6 oz Reese's PB cups, 20 oz diet pepsi

No product recommendation for the day....I'd like to say my vacuum, but it's not here yet!  

The best laid plans.....never last a day in my house!

Day 3:  July 3, 2011
Weight:  163.2 (again, can't weigh again until Monday)

Goal for the day:  Reduce sodas to allotted amount and no more cheats (after that last candy bar)

How sad is it that I can barely remember which day I did what just two days later?  I know, I know, sugar is the culprit there too, I'm sure.  I'd started writing earlier and had a whole diatribe (they are all diatribes since no one gets to comment until I'm done, right?) on how crappy my day was on Sunday and I realized I was talking about Monday.  Ugh!  Getting old sucks in so many ways.

So, thinking back to Sunday.....hmmmm....let's see....

I woke up about 45 minutes after the TDF started for the day so I was excited to be able to fast forward through the commercials, but then because I have all those illnesses that are letter based (OCD, ADHD,etc.) I wanted to do things and ended up rewinding because I'd miss a big section of the race.  The kids slowly emerged starting about an hour later, first Max, then Madeleine....Jordan doesn't emerge on his own anymore.

I researched a couple of things online while I was watching and decided to get new crate bottoms (pans) for the dog kennels.  That was researching and waffling between the cost and the necessity, but considering Xena has chewed through most of her crate bottom, I decided to make the purchase.  For the most part it was a quiet morning - laundry, some other chores and watching my TDF.

Around 11, a friend checked in to see about getting paint on the big sale Home Depot was having in addition to 0% interest for 12 months.  We settled on a time to meet and that's when I realized I had not taken my meds for the day.  Odd how a couple hours makes a difference.  It would explain why everything was irritating the shit out of me and without sugar to soothe me, I just got crankier and crankier.  So leaving the house late because we were waiting on Jordan to shower, getting into a hot car with no A/C and driving in post-church traffic with my lunch shake to sate me, I was surprised no one ended up in the ER after that trip.

When we got home, I was so excited to be back in A/C, I gave the kids a couple hours off before we began chores.  When we did emerge from our cool down naps or movie watching, Madeleine and I washed the dogs - and because last week I cleaned the carpets in two rooms, I apparently activated a colony of fleas that had been in the carpets in those rooms.  So the dogs were coated with 'em.  Madeleine and I were soaked after washing them for over an hour with medicated dog shampoo, human shampoo and human conditioner.  The dogs were shivering from nerves, but mostly flea free when we were done.

After all that scrubbing and worrying about if we got 'em all, I was too exhausted to think about dinner.  I'd forgotten to take chicken out to thaw and at 7 pm, I didn't have a lot of options that didn't involve cheerios or ramen noodles.  So I caved, order the meat lover's pizza from the NY style pizza place around the corner (Rudy's NY Style Pizza - Duluth) and got cleaned up from flea patrol.  When the pizza arrived, the kids and I swarmed like locusts.  I was disappointed and relieved that after I ate my allotted single slice, that Jordan had finished off the remaining slices.  Saved me from myself I suppose.

What I realized is that I have eaten what I have out of convenience.  It's easier to pay the $20 and have pizza delivered than spend over 30 minutes standing at the stove/oven/kitchen counter preparing a meal for everyone.  When it's just Max and I in the house, we eat a lot of cereal for dinner.  I'd love to be one of those people that plans out their menu each week, and either shops for it diligently each weekend or cooks it in advance to plan all the lunches and leftover meal combinations.  But like having to fix my lunch, I hate been stuck with the decision I made 2 hours before much less 2 days before for a meal.  I'm sure this stems from growing up like we did with my mom's once a month paycheck and having slim picking's at times for meals.  It was probably the healthiest eating I've done on a consistent basis.

So Sunday ended on a down note - I drank too many sodas throughout the day, using my efforts at cleaning, organizing, and pet washing as an excuse.  Then that led to pizza for dinner and going to bed closer to 1 am than 11 pm.  Pretty sad that it didn't take long for me to revert back to my old habits.  I went to bed hoping I could succeed on getting back on the wagon the next day....we shall see!

Here is my food journal for the day:

• 9AM - 12 oz Diet Pepsi, 1 Hershey's dark chocolate candy bar, 1 Fage greek yogurt with strawberry fruit.
• 10AM - 12 oz Diet Pepsi
• 11:20 AM - 12 oz Diet pepsi, cheese stick
• 12:30 PM - 17 oz Myoplex protein shake - chocolate fudge flavored (only drank 80% of it)
• 3:00 PM - Turkey, cheese, lettuce and dollop of mayo on a low carb wrap, 12oz Diet Pepsi
• 5:45 PM - 12oz Diet Pepsi
• 6:45 PM - 12 oz Diet Pepsi
• 7:45 PM - Slice of delicious Meat Lover's pizza from Rudy's NY  Pizza - cheese, bread, sausage, pepperoni, ham and meatballs......did I mention it's delicious? and 2-12oz Diet Pepsi
• 10:00PM - 12 oz Diet Pepsi, cheese stick

So my product recommendation for the day is not related to food or healthy eating....to a degree.  In researching natural or organic pest controls, I came across entries for diatomaceous earth which is a naturally occurring substance that physical breaks down the hard exoskeleton of many pests such as ants, beetles, fleas, ticks, carpenter bees, roaches...the list goes on....and once the exoskeleton is breached, the pest de-hydrates.  No poisons for me, my family or my pets to deal with.  Locally, I found this at Farmer D's Organic Gardening in Brookhaven, but you can find it online with Amazon among other vendors.  Try to get food grade which is safer in case pets ingest any while bathing themselves.  You can also add to their food or yours for added health benefits - I don't think I am ready to do that quite yet, but who knows....maybe soon.....

Holiday Weekends Suck - only foodwise.....

Day Two:  July 2, 2011
Weight: 163.2 (can't weigh again until Monday)

Goal for the Day:  Find a way to enjoy the life changes.

Today is the start of the Tour de France (TDF) and I woke up 4 minutes before it kicked off on Versus.  I hurry out to get the TV on and ready before the start.  I have planned to work while I watching so I get my laptop all set up.  Change is the theme for the tour this year.  New panel member, different leaders, different teams, different uniforms, and different TV stations.  Every year it's the same, but it'll be the middle of week two before I acclimate to it.  I even know this about myself and thought 'By next week, this will seem normal'.

Funny how I can apply that to other changes in my life, but not to changing my diet.  I have tried in the past to make changes and I have come to learn the basics for healthy eating, but couldn't make it the three or four weeks of change to get used to it before I reverted back to the bad eating habits.  The revelation this week that no matter how long I have been eating healthy - 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years - that as soon as I take in one of those forbidden foods,  I will go right back to those bad habits.

Knowing this, I should be better equipped to resist those items going forward.  And like my father with his addiction problems, I will have to treat those items like an allergy.  That really does make it easier to resist.  Just like finding out I am allergic to raw, unprocessed tomatoes because there is a protein on the skin that is the same as what is on grasses which I am highly allergic to, or allergic to pumpkin seeds and thus pumpkins, I will know that the allergic reaction is the need for more rather than just an itchy palette and urge to cough.

So without the stressor of work to deal with, I am hopeful that day two will be more successful and it was.  After settling in to watch the TDF for the next 4 hours, I use the commercials to get things done.  During the first commercial I gather up my morning vitamins and prescriptions to take and a diet Pepsi to take them with from the fridge.  I am hoping I can resist drinking more than 2 a day.

It's not the sugar factor or the sweetness factor that is the issue.  I like the carbonation and the 'burn' as I drink it.  It feels like when I drink that when I eat, that it does a better job than just water or something without carbonation to cleanse my palette or thirst from whatever food I've eaten.  I know it's not the healthiest choice so I am glad for the restriction, but 2 per day will be a hard adjustment.  Robin, my nutritionist, has let me know that it's the caffeine in it that is negatively affecting me causing my adrenal glands to be overworked.  She said this is one of thee reasons I have trouble sleeping at night.  With all that caffeine coursing through my body, it was hard to turn off at night and reset.  I never thought I had the same problem that others have with drinking caffeine at certain parts of the day.  I do know I've had trouble giving it up entirely in the past so the restriction is a good compromise.

Another weaning of bad habits I am doing is reducing the sugar to one dark chocolate candy bar a day.  I was surprised to find out it wasn't the 250 calories per bar like other candies, but 180 calories.  I know Hershey's isn't the best of the dark chocolate options with only 45% cacao, but it's better than a Butterfinger. Tomorrow will be my last day of it (buy 2 get one free at Kroger), but having the one 'out' allows me the ability to resist it the rest of the day.

So as I take my morning vitamins, I have my candy bar for breakfast - along with a Greek yogurt (Fage yogurt with strawberry).  Total consumption is 320 calories.  It took me a while to eat the yogurt since it was my first Greek one, but it was quite tasty and filling so I imagine that will be something I treat as a 'sweet' in my brave new world.  I have an additional diet Pepsi early on and because of that, I realize I won't be able to stick to 2 on this day either.  I try to make better choices knowing that I will fall in this area.

Running errands during the lunch hour, I took another meal replacement shake for my lunch meal and picked up a 20oz water while I'm out.  It's brutal in the car in Georgia in July with no air conditioning.  We get our errands run, but after sweating it out, my daughter and I are worn out and just want to rest.  I realized as I was doing my errands that I always try to take on too much and end up failing at one or more things because of it.  Knowing this now, I gave myself a break from trying to get my to-do list done in one day rather than just getting things done as I get them done.  I am more motivated now with the help of the Vyvanse, and without the distraction of food or Facebook games, I am left with only my  to-do's and other goals to fill my days.

We had plans to go to a friend's house for dinner and fireworks and after meeting with the nutritionist, my plan of bringing apple and pecan pies for dessert changed to a healthy green salad.  My friend, Dana, was supportive of my new diet restrictions and offered salmon steaks instead of burgers for her and me as well as sweet potatoes instead of white ones as a side.  I got the all clear from Robin on these.  While I watched the others eat their juicy cheese burgers, baked beans and potato salad, I enjoyed my grilled salmon, salad with light caesar dressing, fruit salad (just fruit, no toppings or dressings) and sweet potato.  The salad was so good, I went back for more which is probably a first for me.  I made sure to put the cheese for it in a separate bowl because I didn't want it on mine, but wanted to offer it for the salad.

When we had stopped on the way to her house to pick up ice, drinks and pineapple chunks for the fruit salad, I was really really tempted to get another candy bar while waiting to be checked out.  I will definitely have to either find a faster lane or the lane without the candy to check out from going forward.  That was a real struggle.  So instead I settled for another 20 oz diet Pepsi.  Not the best choice, but better than candy or cookies.

Having another diet Pepsi to start (and because the trip over was really sweltering with no A/C still) and then two Sparkling Ice (my new favorite drink) with dinner, we headed out to walk up to the fireworks.  That was a good 1/2 mile walk while carrying a chair.  So I count that for my exercise for the day.  We enjoyed the fireworks with bottled water for the heat (and to wash the ashes off our faces from sitting so close to the set off point) and then headed back.  I did nibble on a couple of potato chunks from the potato salad, but it was not made with mayonnaise, but rather lemon vinaigrette.  Tangy and satisfying.

Eventually, we headed home and I was tempted to have another soda and my last candy bar when I got home, however, I resisted and fell into bed once the kids were settled.  Another day through and victory over the sugar demons.  My hope for day three is to reduce the soda consumption by at least 1 if not 2 sodas to get me to my prescribed 2 per day maximum.  Hopefully, after I get used to the caloric restrictions, I can focus on standing firm in that area.

Here is my food journal for the day:

• 8:15 AM  -12 oz diet Pepsi, 1 Hershey's Special Dark candy bar, 1 Fage Greek Yogurt with Strawberry 
• 10:00 AM - 12 oz diet Pepsi
• 12:30 PM - 17 oz EAS Myoplex Original meal replacement shake, chocolate fudge flavored, 16 oz water
• 3:00 PM - Turkey and cheese wrap - 1 low carb tortilla, 2 slices of lean turkey, 1 slice of low fat cheese (not cheese product...this was a hard search), 1 tsp of mayonnaise.  16 oz no calorie Kroger brand carbonated water beverage.
• 7:15 PM - 3 slices of trident sugar free gum (thankfully something to chew on without consuming calories or filling up on sugar items)
• 8:00 PM - 1 7oz salmon fillet, seasoned with herbs and lemon, grilled.  2 cups green salad with baby spinach, romaine and arugula, cucumbers ,celery, pine nuts, carrots and 1 tbsp of light caesar dressing. 1/4 cup fruit chunks (grapes, blueberries, raspberries, kiwi and pineapple), 1/2 sweet potato with cinnamon and 1/2 tbsp of smart balance.  20 oz Diet Pepsi, 2-17oz Sparkling Ice beverages, 20 oz water
• 10:30 PM - 20 oz water, 5 or 6 chunks from potato salad, more gum for ride home to stay awake.

I'd like to start a daily recommendation either for a book or product and hopefully, something I recommend will be something that you have been looking for.

Today's recommendation:  Flat Belly Diet! by Liz Vaccariello, Cynthia Sass with foreword by David L. Katz. A couple of years ago, I tried this diet and it worked for me for a couple of months.  I fell off the wagon when I had to have my tonsils removed and while I tried a couple times later to start it up again, I'd lost the impetus to stick with it.  This plan is balanced with a calorie restricted meal plan that includes mono-unsaturated fats with each meal.  The meal plan was easy to stick to, provided I wasn't cooking for the whole family who wasn't willing to go on this with me.  That's when things got tricky.  I also like that dark chocolate is part of the meal plan.

Also in the Flat Belly Diet line are cookbooks, pocket shopping guides and specific guides for families and men who try the new regime.  I hesitate to use the word 'diet' because for some of us, it's an ugly word full of withdrawal, restrictions and deprivation.  So plan, regimen or menu will be the words I will use to describe the foods that can and can't be eaten from now on!

Please click on the link below to check out the Flat Belly Diet books and guides.  I hope this helps some folks get on the road to healthy eating

Day one Sugar free

Day One:  July 1, 2011
Weight:  163.2 lbs

Day one goal:  Don't kill anyone while I am detoxing from sugar.

This sounds simple enough, however, when you are a sugar addict and every moment you are awake you are either eating sugar, thinking about eating sugar, planning on eating sugar or feeling horrible about yourself and your lack of self control for consuming all of that sugar, it can be challenging.

So here's the deal.  I eat crap.  Poptarts for 2 of my 3 meals and the last one so full of processed food and starches that the poptarts look healthy.  I drink diet soda all day long and could easily go through a twelve pack in a day.  I can't stop at just one piece of candy, but can go through the bag of treats in one sitting.  I don't share well either.  I will get upset if my kids eat my Lucky Charms or my ginger snap cookies.  I knew I had a problem, but it didn't seem fair that other people could eat whatever and I couldn't.

Eventually, though I realized that there must be something I can do to feel better, to take less pills, to stop feeling depressed all the time.  So I met with a nutritionist and she confirmed what I already knew.  That for me, sugar is my addiction much like a 1/5 of vodka is the pitfall for an alcoholic.  I will eat way past fullness when those items are around because I want to make sure I get it all and no one else can take it from me.  And something I like to say often to explain how I know I am doing bad behavior is that I have the small rational part of my brain - little rational me - who knows that eating two dozen croissants in one day is wrong, that part of my brain is locked up in a plexiglass cage high up in the cavern of my psyche.  It can see all the bad things I do, but has no power to stop it.

So after discussing all my eating habits, triggers and the goals and reason I am seeing the nutritionist, Robin, I am given a game plan for at least three weeks.  Most disappointing though is the knowledge that I need to avoid baked goods, breads, grains like the plague, not just while I am relearning foods to eat and such, but forever.  Like a drug addict or alcoholic, I can never have those things again.  Many addicts treat it like an allergy.  It's easier to do than saying it's something you can't handle because that just makes you feel weak, but if you say it's an allergy, then it's like people who are allergic to peanuts or bee stings.  That makes it socially acceptable and something you have no control over, never had any control over it really.

I went home that evening and like someone going off to war or the prisoner having their final meal, I feasted on the remainder of the bag of chicken nuggets with marinade that was left in the house.  Totally bloated and miserable after eating it all, I went to bed contemplating the life change I was about to embark on.

This brings us to Day One of detox and rehab.  I woke up extremely early and spent hours researching some non-food things before getting ready for work.  On the way to the office, I stopped at the grocery store with my menu list in hand.  I spent thirty minutes searching for some of the items that I could eat for the day and with a resigned attitude, headed in for a my first day without my sugar crutch.

I should mention that  I am a stress eater.  When I get stressed out, I want to go back to my comfort foods like candy, poptarts, breads. - and lately everything about work stresses me.  So the day was going to be a huge challenge and within my first hour there, I was challenged to not look for edible stress relievers.  I was able to focus for the first few hours without incident and then it was time for the company lunch.

Normally, I'm the first person in line - something about buffet lines that screams be first or get every germ everyone else has left behind, plus I don't want to miss out on anything - but today, it was with little hope of being able to consume anything that I headed out.  I was still able to be first in the line for lunch and made a healthy choice of a small section of chicken slices and some baby spinach, romaine and arugula salad with balsamic vinegar dressing.  I did pick up some mango chutney for the chicken.  With my 16oz of water and my 17 oz Ice sparkling water drink, I settled in for lunch.  Despite being at a table with coworkers who had loaded up their plates with rolls, desserts and rice which I was forbidden, I was able to control the urge to eat any of that.  In fact, I felt pretty good about my meal for the day.

Later, it was time for my snack and I opted for a stick of string cheese (reduced fat of course) and the second diet Pepsi I was allowed for the day.  I was able to finish up my work day with success, drinking more water than I have recently and sticking to the timing, amounts and types of foods I was supposed to eat on my new plan (not diet).   The next test would be Friday evening rush hour added to holiday traffic...with no air conditioning in the car.  I made it home with two whiny teenagers and loved my air conditioned home as soon as I stepped in the door.  We settled in for a bit, I had an apple for my snack and around 8 we went shopping.  I got the rest of the items on my list to last me a couple of weeks.  The teens however pushed for pizza for dinner and they picked up something that included cookies.  Cruel, but I allowed it.  It was hard to resist, but I made it through without stealing any of their dinner or dessert.  Although my daughter feeding her leftovers to the dogs kind of ticked me off, but it was either that or the trash so there you go....

Not being able to decide what I wanted to eat, I ended up waiting until 11 pm before I had the eggs and Canadian bacon choice.  I know, not the best decision to wait that long, but I honestly couldn't figure out which meal would satisfy me the most without involving tons of time to prepare. I ended up going to bed at midnight, but was exhausted when I got there so fell asleep immediately.

Thus ended my first day of my new plan, life change, direction.

Here is my food journal for the day:

• 6:30 AM - 1 Calcium/Magnesium/Zinc supplement, 1 1290 Fish oil (for hereditary high cholesterol), 1 multi-vitamin, 50mg Vyvanse, 40 mg Prozac, with water (2 oz)
• 8:15 AM - 17 oz EAS Myoplex Original meal replacement shake, chocolate fudge flavored, over ice (it wasn't cold yet as I'd just bought it).  12 oz Diet Pepsi
• 11:48 AM - 1 Reduced fat String Cheese (cheese stick), with water
• 12:00 PM  - 1 cup salad, 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar dressing, 4 oz (or less) grilled chicken with spices, 1/4 cup of mango chutney, 16 oz water, 17 oz Pomegranate Berry Sparkling Ice no calorie beverage
• 2:45 PM - 12 oz Diet Pepsi, 1 Reduced fat String Cheese (cheese stick)
• 3:00 PM - 16 oz water
• 6:30 PM - 1 large apple, sliced, 12 oz Diet Pepsi (first forbidden item)
• 9:30 PM - 1 Hershey's Special Dark candy bar (cold turkey just wasn't gonna happen)
• 11:00 PM - 1 egg, 2 egg whites scrambled, 2 slices of Canadian Bacon, 6 oz Diet Pepsi (didn't finish it)

Tomorrow will be better at remaining compliant, I hope!

For more information on the bad health effects from sugar addiction, please see "Suicide by Sugar" by Nancy Appleton, PhD and G.N. Jacobs.  Maybe you'll see something that you've experienced as well.  Good luck fellow addicts...we can beat this thing!